People who know me know that I am a woman's woman; I love women. My closest friends are women, my favorite books are written by or about women. My favorite movies too. I adore my sisters and think they are the smartest, inwardly powerful, outwardly beautiful, best people I know. I care about women. I became a feminist in 7th grade, when I first got my hands on a Ms. Magazine in the school library with my best friend. I have supported female candidates from Shirley Chisolm tthrough Geraldine Ferraro to Hilary Clinton. In little ways and bigger ways I have been an advocate all my life for women and children. And, as many a woman can attest to, once you really take advocacy work into your heart, you cannot help but begin to see the need for advocacy on all sides of an issue or problem. Suddenly the enemy turns out to be just another good soul like all the ones on your side. Suddenly the idea of sides seems to be a little lame. I think that is part of what brought me to take a second look at my attitude towards men as a whole. Well, that, and the fact that I have a husband, two sons and a step-son. I've begun to look around and I've noticed a few things.
First of all, a large majority of women on this planet live with and deal with men on a daily basis. We have fathers, brothers, sons, friends, husbands, soul mates, co-workers and neighbors who are men. This is an excellent time to begin to take another look at how we think about them. For the last 20 years it's been a pretty popular pastime for us women in the US to dis men, to focus on their quirks and inabilities, to laugh at their manness. It's actually one of my worst habits to tease my husband - relentlessly, if possible, because it's so easy to do. It tastes like sweet revenge when I do it. But really, I don't want to do that to my boys, even though it is oh so pleasureable a thing to do to my husband. And actually I don't want to put him down anymore either; whatever makes it oh so sweet really has nothing to do with HIM. He is just my male target, I guess. Now my eldest son and step-son are both 13, and surprisingly quickly entering manhood. Perhaps that is why I've been thinking about taking on a new attitude about men so much recently.
In my mother's generation it seems like men were honored out of fear and plain old social custom, and although both of those still linger, I don't think we want to use that kind of thinking as a model now. So what does the steady-on-her-feet woman of today think about the men in her life? How does she treat them?
This is what I've got so far:
Honor their nurturing, which is getting braver and more real every minute- look around you if you haven't noticed. Men hugging their fathers, brothers and children. Men spending vastly larger amounts of time with their children than THEIR fathers did, and not all of that time is task-oriented, either. Some of it is just hang out and play time. There are more young men doing child-care now than I remember seeing in the past. Most men I know cook with some regularity- and not just for themselves anymore. Some men clean up after themselves too.
It seems to me that men have the corner on a certain kind of connecting, with each other and with their children, that may seem harsh or even surface to us women, but I've discovered is actually quite real and palatable and permanent. I think men know more about giving unconditional love than we do, and more about loyalty. Could be all the sports they watch- and what they've learned from being die-hard fans of teams that inevitably blow it now and again.
Recognize men's abundant common sense: There are so many men, along with women, on the cutting edge of ecologically minded innovations, despite the Presidential attitude towards oil in the arctic. Men shop organic, and local; they make friends with their auto mechanic and know when to ask just one more question; men tend to care less about their appearance and more about whether they are comfortable.
Admit that men are human beings: The human voice has quite a wide range, and women tend to speak on the high end of our range while men tend to speak on the low end. But the fact remains that we actually have the majority of our ranges in common. I think that may also be true of men and women in terms of presence, of attitude and ability. We have heard of men being encouraged to nurture their "feminine side" and although I think that is a healthy thing to do, I question the phrasing, especially if it turns some men away. There is a whole range of actions and attitudes which are just as natural for men as they are for women (and vice versa) and they just need to be allowed to be.
Support men's creativity: We have a tendency to downplay the average man as "not enough." All the great artists, all the great chefs, all those desgners and architects get their paychecks and their place in history, and we wonder where all the women are, and rightly so. In terms of fame women get the short end of the stick, but when we move to the everyday arena of our lives, men are snickered at if they have a hobby or a creative outlet. We women with our feet planted firmly on the ground can afford to give the men in our lives some slack. Maybe even some encouragement when they step out of the mold and into a more personal reparte with themselves and their surroundings.
This is just a beginning for those of us women who want to take a different attitude towards the men in our lives than the ones we have seen popularized in the last half-century. Perhaps it is simply as my sister said- that the pendulum has had to swing a little, and now maybe we can find a more centered position from which to live our lives, a healthier way to connect with men. Maybe we can popularize a more thoughtful attitude towards our brothers and sons and husbands and neighbors. Maybe we can say outloud that men are good, and kind and worthwhile.
I've seen some new products out there which in subtle and not-so ways send a positive message to men, and to women who care about them.
Hip hammock- a baby carrier that comes in black polar fleece, dark green polar fleece, hemp weave which looks like burlap, as well as many other fabrics. Short of camophlage, this company seems to be trying to make carrying a baby on your hip an easy thing for any man to do.
Wolf Mountain Tea- strong and flavorful teas, with caffeine or without, packaged in extra-large tea bags for a mug, not a cup, boxed in recycled cardboard with dark, direct labeling. Makes drinking tea as manly an activity as any coffee could.
Yes, yes, yes! I want my girls to read this; I want them to know these things. I especially liked the analogy using range of pitch for women's and men's voices. It so clearly evokes the potential at different ends of the scale AND that it is the same scale, as well as the certain fact that the middle range we have in common. Yes, and when we all sing together it is truly lovely. I can feel it right now, when we sometimes sing as a family; the 3 girls and I ranging from suprano to tenor and David from alto to base, how good and sweet it is to have the full range available and appreciated.
Posted by: Amy at January 7, 2004 01:29 PM